ZomBIE, or Not ZomBIE: That is the Question. Part I

 Yesterday, I attended the Run For Your Lives 5K Obstacle Course in Temecula, California.  I've been pretty excited about this since January, when I initially signed up.  If you're not aware with what it is I suggest browsing through the website. Now before I continue on with my "adventure", I will give you a few tidbits that will help you understand what transpired.

A.  I drive a slightly lowered 1994 Honda Civic Hatchback.

B.  We were given three flags.  If you ended the race with at least one flag, you were considered a survivor. 

C.  God gave me poor ankles.  Seriously.  I was born with one ankle inverted the wrong way.  That's right, I was born a monster

There had been a slight drizzle that occurred in the early morning hours that left the dirt loose and slippery.  At this point I was still in my car being directed to park in a parking lot that is really just a big dirt field. I don't know why on Earth I would be encouraged to park over mounds of loose dirt. (A.)

My car nearly got stuck in it and when I accelerated to get myself out of a potentially embarrassing situation, the bottom piece of plastic designated to protect my car's insides was ripped off.  There it rested in a mound of dirt, never to be seen by me again. Good-bye plastic-protective-piece thing, it was a good 12 years.  I was running a bit late and didn't have time to worry about it.

Fast forward to the "race" start.  No one warned us that the first half mile or so was a hike up a mountain.  We all walked.  The Walking Living.  After awhile I became curious as to why there weren't any zombies at this point.  That's when I heard the screams (and laughter) and suddenly people began checking up and stopping.

It was the beginning of a situation where everyone stopped and watched the zombies as if they were street performers.  This group I was with, decided that it was a good idea to count out loud and bum rush the zombies at the count of three.  This in fact was a terrible idea.

Much like a pride of lions picking off wildebeests at random, these zombies were taking flags at an incredible rate.  Unfortunately I was stuck behind slow people and couldn't get around.  I tried to get around a chubby girl, when suddenly I heard the sound of velcro ripping.  I had encountered the first group of zombies and was already down to two flags (B.)  This wasn't going to end well.

Grocery Shopping Guilt Trip

Grocery shopping is something that everybody does, despite how much it sucks. There's no way to avoid it. Milk is always running out and/or going bad. Yeah, you could probably go to the corner liquor store and get some milk, but you also noticed that you're running low on bread. Then you move something that's turning gooey and black to the side and realize you're running low on water too. Suddenly a moment of despair overcomes you. For it is that moment when you realize you need to go grocery shopping.

So you drive out to your local grocery store. Park your car and proceed to walk to the entrance. As you grab the shopping cart that has apparently suffered a stroke, you notice that there's a person with a clipboard standing near the exit. This always reminds me of the Resident Evil 2 video game. I'll explain why.

In the game, all the dead people in the town have turned into zombies. While the game sends you around in circles, you notice a dead person just sitting on the ground. You stare at your character staring at it. Afraid to move anywhere near it. People that get devoured by zombies tend to turn into one. With this knowledge you shoot it five times, but realize that nothing is happening and you're running out of ammo. So you take your chances and zoom by it. As the game progresses you have to keep going by it. Its just laying there. You know it'll eventually become a zombie and you'll have to deal with it later.

That's how I feel about those who are waiting for you at the grocery store exit. You know they're going to be there when you get out. I don't even know why they're there. They seem like you don't exist as you walk into the store. Do they really think anyone is going to give them money after Albertson's just raped their wallet?

I always feel guilty when it's for a good cause and I just say no and walk on. Especially when it was a young girl who needed college money. (which was probably bullshit) She told me her sad story and how she just needed a small donation. I did a role reversal and told her my sad story. (which was mostly bullshit) I was proud of myself. Mostly because I talked to a stranger.

By the way...does anyone get lost in a grocery store? I'm my own ABC television series. I tend to never know where I'm going.