My Neighbor Had Satan's Baby

Roman Polanksi, (yes that director that raped the 13 year old) directed a movie in 1968 titled Rosemary's Baby. It's a story of a woman who is drugged and is set up by an occult to be impregnated by Satan himself. I think this has happened to my new neighbor.

When I first moved into my apartment, I had some old creepy guy who I believed to be a serial killer. Actually I still think he is. I'd walk pass his apartment and I'd see him sitting in a lawn chair watching a small television. Not so spectacular except for the fact that was ALL he had in his apartment. A lawn chair and a small tv on the floor. He was quiet and to himself. He made me feel uneasy, but now I miss him so much.

Old Creepy Guy moved out (maybe arrested for murders), which probably took 5 minutes to do. It all happened while I was at work because I came home one day and the apartment maintenance crew was going through the newly vacant apartment. Soon after a couple in their mid 30s moved in, and with them, a newborn baby. Infant Devil Baby.

IDB was cute at first. Yes I said cute. He/She..IT...would cry ever so softly. It's little lungs doing what they could. That was about 3 months ago. Now, the little thing has become a tenor. It's unearthly, violent cries come up in the most inopportune time. Seriously, it sounds like a cat fighting mixed with a velociraptor from the Jurassic Park franchise. I think IDB is nocturnal too because it only cries in the middle of the night. That makes sleeping difficult. I don't know if its some kind of human instinct thing, but hearing a baby cry makes me alert and I hate it.

What I want to know is if it's normal for a baby to cry for over an hour straight. I'm no expert but doesn't that mean something is wrong? Maybe it's horns are coming out. That could be it. I imagine that would hurt a lot.

Urinal Etiquette

No, I don't truly have a list of Man Rules. Though if I did, I believe that Urinal Etiquette would be in the top ten. Women won't understand this fully. You ladies have your restroom cubicles, also known as stalls, so that you may squeeze your lemons in peace. I can understand why you girls go to restrooms together and conversate. With men, its a completely different story. I feel like I need to express this, because there was a recent incident of a Man Rule foul.

The Different Types of Men's Restrooms:

First, there's the User Friendly Restroom. Thats the type that has the urinals spread apart with dividers in between so George Michael can't take a peek at Captain Winky. These restrooms are rare. Maybe not rare to everyone, but rare to me because I don't go to high-class places often. These restrooms don't really require much etiquette.

Second, theres the Barnyard Restroom. This is where urinals are non-existent. Yes, instead we have to leak our lizards into what is basically a metallic trough. An elongated bucket which is tilted ever so slightly so that the urine mixes together to drain away to the far corner. No water. No flushing. Usually places that have these are sport stadiums/arenas and lame ass bars. The etiquette here is to give at least 20 inches space to the person next to you. Like Egon said in Ghostbusters, "Don't cross the streams." Also, find something on the blank wall in front of you. Stare at it. I don't care what it is. A crack, a hole...peeling paint, whatever it is, that is your focus point. You may talk, but you cannot turn to look at the person you are speaking to.

The third type of restroom is the Mosh Pit Restroom. This is the type of restroom where they cram as many urinals as possible onto a wall. This is where everyone is cramped up. Same exact rules apply, though the crossing of the streams shouldn't be an issue.

The Man Rule Foul:

I was in a Mosh Pit Restroom at Angels Stadium. It's already late in the game and the Angels were down big. You could see which of the Angels fans were drunk because they were still happy. I went to urinate because I have a habit of doing so every few hours.

As I'm standing at my urinal, taking care of business, an older man appears next to the urinal to my left. I can see out of the corner of my eye, as I am staring at my focal point. I noticed that he spit into his urinal. A prime example of one who is drunk. Right away he turned to me and started a discussion about the game. I ignored him, hoping he'd turn away. I guess while he was staring in my direction, he noticed the person to my right had one of those flashing light beer cups. He seemed so abnormally excited by that. He honestly said "Whoa! A flashing beer!" and he leaned in to get a better look. Which means he got really close to me. Luckily I was done with my business and I was able to leave. He broke two rules of Urinal Etiquette and that is unacceptable. Even while drunk.

When Jason Met Terry: An ATM Love Story

If money is the root of all evil, why do we all need it? This morning I looked into my wallet and sadly found that it was empty. Not even a single buck. Not a good situation when you have a friend in the mall offering 50% off Nike Shoes for today only. Being the lazy I person I am, I Googled the closest Wells Fargo ATM that was on the way to the mall. It was an area I wasn't too familiar with, but I was able to find it.

The bank was in a small industrial area. I drove into the parking lot and noticed that there was just one ATM machine outside. I could see a woman with one of those personal shopping carts from the 50s at the ATM. I parked my car and got out in the 90 degree weather and proceeded towards the bank. This bank is closed on Saturdays, which at the time meant nothing to me since I just needed to get a few bucks out of the ATM.

As I approached the ATM I noticed that the woman at the ATM was of a foreign descent. I'm going to be politically correct and not mention what country she's from. I'll give you a hint and tell you it starts with CHIN (now you be a clever cookie and figure out the rest). I'm not going to blame her race, nor the fact that she is a woman. No, that would not be wise. I might though, blame it on the gallon of milk she was drinking from in 90 degree weather. Or simply that she could not speak English. Whatever the reason, Terry (I saw her name on her ATM card) could not seem to get her money deposited.

I am a very passive person. I waited there in the heat and watched Terry struggle getting her dollars into the machine. (Wells Fargo ATMs have their machines process without envelopes so you can just deposit the cash and the bills get scanned. Its also made to take 50 bills at once.) I wish Terry knew this, because she was trying to deposit one bill at a time. After each bill was scanned she would say she was finished with her transaction, yet would be confused as to why her ATM card would pop out.

Five minutes passed. Suddenly I wasn't the passive person I've known myself to be. I got bold and approached her. I figured I was either going to help her now or strangle her later. I chose to help her now. Since she didn't know English I think she believed I was trying to rob her since she had a stack of bills in her hand. I told her she can put all the bills in at the same time and through enough hand gestures it became apparent to her that I was trying to help. So she starts putting in the bills and everything is dandy. It finally worked for her. Yay. She ended her transaction and her ATM card came out. I'm thinking thank God. I can get my money go.

I like to thank God often. God likes this. If God had a Facebook he'd click the Like button. I've learned that God also has a sense of humor.

Just when I thought it was going to be my turn at the ATM, good ol' Terry went into her purse and pulled out more money. She wasn't done yet. She once again put her ATM card in again to deposit more money, but ran into a new problem. She maxed out the amount of transactions for the day. Lord only knows how long she was there before I got there. At this point there was a small line of Terry protestors behind me. She didn't get it. I couldn't explain it to her either. I don't know the universal language for "you can't use this atm card for the rest of the day, now go home."

I told her to step to the side so others can go since she was having problems. I specifically, told her "Let us go first, then you can try again." I don't know what she thought I said, but she nodded and continued to try and deposit money. Even the ATM machine was beeping at her as if to tell her "go away." People actually left. They didn't feel like waiting. It seriously took Terry 10 minutes before she gave up. Funny part is, I ended up not buying anything at the mall.

Go Dodgers?

The sky will burn at forty-five degrees.
Fire approaches the great new city.
By fire he will destroy their city,
A cold and cruel heart,
Blood will pour,
Mercy to none.
-Nostradamus

What you just read was a prediction of the future written by Nostradamus back in the year 1550. As many of his other predictions, it is very vague and left open for interpretation. After going to Game 1 of the NLCS, I have concluded that Nostradamus was predicting about what would happen to the city of Los Angeles if the Dodgers were to win the World Series in 2009.

On June 14, 2009, the Los Angeles Lakers won their 15th NBA championship in dominating fashion. Fans flocked to the Staples Center to celebrate...and by celebrate I mean riot. Lakers fans looted stores, destroyed busses and set things on fire. Pretty much everything the vikings did back in the 10th century. Apparently the average IQ of a Lakers fan is on the jersey of Kobe Bryant. I'm not saying all Lakers fans are stupid, I'm just saying that there are a majority of mentally challenged fans that bring down that average. Sadly, I believe the Dodgers have that exact same fan base.

The people I worry about are like Jose here on the left. He's at a Lakers celebration, wearing a Dodgers jersey, participating in some sort of spiritual burning-of-the-branch-if-your-team-won-the-championship ritual. If you look closely he's flashing some sort of gang sign. I think Jose is trying to tell us something. Perhaps a warning of things to come.

I am actually wanting a Los Angeles Dodgers vs. Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim) World Series. I believe it will help Los Angeles' failing economy, plus be damn good baseball. I just fear the destruction this freeway series may bring. It would be epic. I could see it looking like a Roland Emmerich movie. If you don't know who he is, he directed movies such as Indepedence Day, Godzilla, The Day After Tomorrow and the upcoming 2012. The man loves his destruction. Unfortunately so do Lakers/Dodgers fans.

Hello

My name is Jason...

and this is a dancing sheep.