Urinal Etiquette

No, I don't truly have a list of Man Rules. Though if I did, I believe that Urinal Etiquette would be in the top ten. Women won't understand this fully. You ladies have your restroom cubicles, also known as stalls, so that you may squeeze your lemons in peace. I can understand why you girls go to restrooms together and conversate. With men, its a completely different story. I feel like I need to express this, because there was a recent incident of a Man Rule foul.

The Different Types of Men's Restrooms:

First, there's the User Friendly Restroom. Thats the type that has the urinals spread apart with dividers in between so George Michael can't take a peek at Captain Winky. These restrooms are rare. Maybe not rare to everyone, but rare to me because I don't go to high-class places often. These restrooms don't really require much etiquette.

Second, theres the Barnyard Restroom. This is where urinals are non-existent. Yes, instead we have to leak our lizards into what is basically a metallic trough. An elongated bucket which is tilted ever so slightly so that the urine mixes together to drain away to the far corner. No water. No flushing. Usually places that have these are sport stadiums/arenas and lame ass bars. The etiquette here is to give at least 20 inches space to the person next to you. Like Egon said in Ghostbusters, "Don't cross the streams." Also, find something on the blank wall in front of you. Stare at it. I don't care what it is. A crack, a hole...peeling paint, whatever it is, that is your focus point. You may talk, but you cannot turn to look at the person you are speaking to.

The third type of restroom is the Mosh Pit Restroom. This is the type of restroom where they cram as many urinals as possible onto a wall. This is where everyone is cramped up. Same exact rules apply, though the crossing of the streams shouldn't be an issue.

The Man Rule Foul:

I was in a Mosh Pit Restroom at Angels Stadium. It's already late in the game and the Angels were down big. You could see which of the Angels fans were drunk because they were still happy. I went to urinate because I have a habit of doing so every few hours.

As I'm standing at my urinal, taking care of business, an older man appears next to the urinal to my left. I can see out of the corner of my eye, as I am staring at my focal point. I noticed that he spit into his urinal. A prime example of one who is drunk. Right away he turned to me and started a discussion about the game. I ignored him, hoping he'd turn away. I guess while he was staring in my direction, he noticed the person to my right had one of those flashing light beer cups. He seemed so abnormally excited by that. He honestly said "Whoa! A flashing beer!" and he leaned in to get a better look. Which means he got really close to me. Luckily I was done with my business and I was able to leave. He broke two rules of Urinal Etiquette and that is unacceptable. Even while drunk.