A Mall Carol

The Mall. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. It's not a fun place to be. I hate it. Especially during the "Holiday Season." I never understood why the Holiday Season starts on Nov. 1st. That new Jim Carrey movie, A Christmas Carol, came out two weekends ago. Can we at least get through Thanksgiving before we're reminded that we have no money to spend on gifts this year?

I don't tend to go to the mall unless I deem it necessary. Necessary is when my clothes start to fall apart. Usually I let my jeans get to the point where it looks like I just fought a pack of rabid raccoons. I figured this time I wouldn't let it get to that point.

Holiday parking at a mall is a serious pain in the ass. True there will always be a few available parking spaces in the distant horizon, but who wants to walk 200 yards to get to the entrance? I sure didn't want to walk that far. This is America. Instead I drove up and down the parking lanes looking like Pac-Man. Eventually I gave in and parked far away and began my Moses-like exodus to the mall entrance.

Once inside, it was like a mosh pit full of people. It's the only place besides a school, where you will find both Raiders fans and emos in the same enclosure. You'll also see kids frolicking about, while you wonder where their parents are, and old people moving around lethargically, while you wonder how they got there and how they are getting out.

I'm not sure anyone enjoys the mall. I saw a child on one of those quarter rides looking painfully disgusted. Me and her made eye contact and I could feel her pain. I didn't want to be there either. But where else can you have the convenience of store options within walking distance?

I feel so out of place at a mall. I seem to be moving twice as fast as anyone else. Like some kind of olympic prodigy. **I guess its the fact that I try to avoid people as much as possible.**

Once I bought what I needed, I suddenly became Charlie with the Golden Ticket and I needed to return to Grandpa Joe. No one was going to stop me from getting home. Thats what I said before I saw her.

As I was power-walking my way back like a pregnant woman at a park, I saw this girl. She was incredibly attractive and was looking in my direction. **My first instinct was to walk around her to completely avoid any conversation. But her eyes were so inviting. Honestly if she was ugly like everyone else in the mall, I would have gone around. This girl was a diamond in the rough. As I got closer I saw her eyes light up a bit and she did the hair tucking behind the ear move. Suddenly the mall didn't seem so bad anymore. I didn't know what to say, but I knew I had to say something due to the constant eye contact. I never get myself into situations like this. Fortunately for me she spoke first...






"Do you have AT&T service?"

I hate the mall. I also hate AT&T prostitutes that stand 10 feet outside their kiosk.