This is not a rebuttal. This is merely a response. Before you continue you may want to read this fantastic blog: What Is Going On Down There?
Men will NEVER "get it".
(WARNING: Graphic subject matter and tons of lame movie and tv references. I'm actually challenging myself to how many I can do.)
That statement is partially true. Though the sexual prowess women seem to feel during that time of the month is equal to every single day a guy wakes up in the morning. It's fun and exciting to witness a female feel exactly how we do, but like an M. Night shyamalan movie, there's a twist. To achieve probably the best sex ever, we have to chance an occurrence that might leave the room looking like a crime scene only Dexter would understand. Yes, like a Daniel Day-Lewis movie...There Will Be Blood, and I don't want a damn milkshake.
Now for those of you that know me, we're going to have to go way back in time. We're going to have to hop in that DeLorean and hit 88 mph. There once was a time when I was a typical guy and dated or something close to that. Yes, it's hard to believe. During those years I did notice that there was a correlation to women's friskiness and their visit from Aunt Flow. What kind of sick joke is that?
I once was influenced through a lot of making out and foreplay to do the forbidden deed. Besides, I was young and didn't know what to expect. I was told the-soon-to-be-common, "its my last day." So I figured it should be fine and wouldn't be like that elevator scene in The Shining.
Long story short, (by long story I mean 10 minutes) I was traumatized. Not during the evil deed, but afterwards. How did I succumb (pun intended) to this? It looked like I had a murder weapon attached to me. Why did this have to happen? I vowed never to do that again. Someone once suggested oral. Are you serious? I'm sorry I'm not Edward Cullen and this isn't Twilight. Maybe a vampire would be okay with that. Not I.
It's just not fair.
hahahaha....what the bloody hell?! Edward Cullen
ReplyDeletehahahhahahahhaahahahahahha
ReplyDeletebut I feel I should let you know, if a girl is using a tampon (does the word tampon freak you out? it better not after that elevator scene) during oral, there won't be any .... crime scene.
Still isn't worth it knowing whats nearby. Its just gross. A face belongs no where near that natural and healthy mess.
ReplyDeleteI totally shared the tampon secret as well. He won't be convinced.
ReplyDelete::VOICED AS DOC BROWN::
ReplyDeleteOK, how about this MAVERICK.
What if a penis bled once a month?? And and and you're going down on the guy and then... OOPS BLOOD CUMMIN' OUTTA THE URETHRA. OOPS BOOD GOIN' DOWN THE SHAFT. OOPS YOU GOT PENIS BLOOD AND YOU LADIES ARE SLURPIN' IT UP LIKE A HOT GERMAN SHEPHERD DRINKING OUT OF A WATER PUDDLE ON A 102 DEGREE 4TH OF JULY DAY.
But wait! You can plug up the penis with this PENIS TAMPON. You mean.... no blood during oral?? That's fantastic! I don't have to wait one week! Would you take that chance ladies? Would you take that chance that maybe...just maybe... that plug will stop the penis blood? That you're going down on the guy and then you taste... blood?
::WILLIAM SHATNER VOICE:
I present to you ladies this...
WE.... THE GUYS... DO NOT BLEED ONCE A MONTH. IN... FACT WE HOPE TO NOT BLEED AT ALL. WHen.... we see blood it usually means that something is wrong. That we're hurt. And if we see a lot of it it means that we're going to die. You ladies.... live with your vagina bleeding once a month for almost all of your lives. You bleed for seven days and you don't die! That's amazing. You're used to it. Us guys... we're not. If I saw blood coming out of Mister Rocksteady (my cock) I would be flipping out. Ladies... we're not used to blood, especially during sex, EVEN the risk of blood coming out from oral sex is just... well it's not something we guys want to taste when we start getting into it down there.
::continuing the william shatner voice monologue.::
Do you wish Rhett never loved Scarlett? Rick didn't have Ilsa or Harry never loved Sally? Someone once said it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. They used to say if man could fly, he'd have wings... but he did fly. He discovered he had to. Do you wish that the first Apollo mission hadn't reached the moon, or that we hadn't gone on to Mars or the nearest star? That's like saying you wish that you still operated with scalpels and sewed your patients up with catgut like your great-great-great-great-grandfather used to. I'm in command. I could order this. But I'm not... because... Jason is right in pointing out the enormous danger, the unbelievable mess, and gross factor in the potential in any contact with blood during sex, especially oral, even as fantastically alluring and advanced as the female vagina. But I must point out that the possibilities, the potential for knowledge and advancement is equally great when women are NOT on their period. Succeed or fail, we must make the attempt, it's our nature. Now if it were up to me, as it usually is, I would order this. But its not. But I must point out the possibilities, the potential, for true love and happiness are equally great. Risk... risk is our business! That's why we're out there. That's what relationships are all about. But blood from a guy's point of view during sex.... we're just not used to it.
YOUR EGO IS WRITING CHECKS YOUR BODIES CAN'T CASH LADIES! ::top gun instructor voice::
BY THE WAY, I sleep in blankets stained with blood. AND my new mattress I got in April? Yup you guessed it, it soaked right through and the mattress is stained in blood. YUP. I felt like Patrick fucking Batemen when I tried to get the sheets dry cleaned. All because "It's all right... it's only blood." YEAH THANKS. Even with a tampon I will not take that chance.
BUT BOY MMMMMM DO I LOVE THAT PUSSY JUICE ::Samuel L. Jackson::
I sure do Sam... I sure do.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yF7gUbqHldo
ReplyDeletenasty! i still wouldn't let a guy go down on me w/ a tampon on. that string would just be completely in the way of that precious tongue and ruin the good times the clit needs to have! In other words...I can wait til my rag is over for a guy to go down on me.
ReplyDeleteUUUUM a penis tampon would involve entering the mouth...a vagina tampon does not enter the mouth. The clit is what matters here.
ReplyDeleteI think its gross either way! Bleeding or no bleeding. I'm just saying...normally tampons do not leak.
No bloody chins please.
ReplyDeleteAs a woman, I am repulsed by the tampon-oral idea. No matter how much my hormones are raging at the time, the last thing I want is a man's tongue on my nether regions. We're not in an episode of True Blood. Aside from blood being a vampire's life source, they also don't need to breathe. If you need to get off, just use the shower head. It's cleaner.
ReplyDeleteI would never ever ever fathom someone visiting the pink taco during that time of the month. It just makes it that much more fun to get back to business when it's all over.
ReplyDeleteMonsters Inc.
ReplyDelete