Dude Stuff

First off, I will start off by saying that I enjoy the company of the opposite sex. Women are the gentler gender. They are sweet and loyal and understanding to the feelings of another...and it absolutely makes me sick.

I don't know when it happened or exactly how it happened, but I somehow have reached a point where I have more girl friends than guy friends. I want to say this blow has been dealt by the fact that the guy friends I do have are now in relationships, therefore are usually not allowed to go out and play, but I'm not sure. Such a sad scenario if that is the case.

I've been a recluse as of late, but that's because I want go out and do dude stuff. I want to get made fun of for being a pussy and return the favor. I want to get punched (where it actually hurts) and go out and just be as vulgar as the English language can handle and be absolutely ridiculous.

Instead I get stuck with girl talk, which is pretty close to water boarding I assume.
I feel like the guy in I Love You, Man. The other day I got a bloody nose and I felt like I probably received the menstrual cycle of one of my girl friends.

Once again, to all my dear friends of the female kind. This is not an insult. You are beautiful people. I just feel like Mowgli in the wolf pack and I need to get with my peoples, yo.

What the Bloody Hell?

This is not a rebuttal. This is merely a response. Before you continue you may want to read this fantastic blog: What Is Going On Down There?

Men will NEVER "get it".

(WARNING: Graphic subject matter and tons of lame movie and tv references. I'm actually challenging myself to how many I can do.)

That statement is partially true. Though the sexual prowess women seem to feel during that time of the month is equal to every single day a guy wakes up in the morning. It's fun and exciting to witness a female feel exactly how we do, but like an M. Night shyamalan movie, there's a twist. To achieve probably the best sex ever, we have to chance an occurrence that might leave the room looking like a crime scene only Dexter would understand. Yes, like a Daniel Day-Lewis movie...There Will Be Blood, and I don't want a damn milkshake.

Now for those of you that know me, we're going to have to go way back in time. We're going to have to hop in that DeLorean and hit 88 mph. There once was a time when I was a typical guy and dated or something close to that. Yes, it's hard to believe. During those years I did notice that there was a correlation to women's friskiness and their visit from Aunt Flow. What kind of sick joke is that?

I once was influenced through a lot of making out and foreplay to do the forbidden deed. Besides, I was young and didn't know what to expect. I was told the-soon-to-be-common, "its my last day." So I figured it should be fine and wouldn't be like that elevator scene in The Shining.


Long story short, (by long story I mean 10 minutes) I was traumatized. Not during the evil deed, but afterwards. How did I succumb (pun intended) to this? It looked like I had a murder weapon attached to me. Why did this have to happen? I vowed never to do that again. Someone once suggested oral. Are you serious? I'm sorry I'm not Edward Cullen and this isn't Twilight. Maybe a vampire would be okay with that. Not I.

It's just not fair.